This Is Why Trusting Your Potential Feels So Terrifying (And So Necessary)
I woke up today with that familiar tension lodged between my ribs. Not quite anxiety, not quite excitement. Something in between that doesn't have a proper name. It's 6:17 AM and I'm staring at the ceiling, watching my shadow stretch across the wall. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever close the gap with this shadow self. This outline of possibility that always seems just beyond reach. The distance between what I am and what I could be feels almost physical today. I can measure it in heartbeats.
When I think about my potential, my shoulders instinctively tighten. My body knows something my mind is still trying to articulate. I've become an expert at making lists and plans and reasonable goals instead of facing what I'm capable of. Sometimes I convince myself it's just a procrastination problem. That I simply need to find the right project, the right system, the right moment. But these careful limitations I place on myself are just armor against disappointment, against the terror of fully showing up. Because deep down, beneath the excuses and the planning, I know I am full of potential. I have always been and I have always known that.
The evidence surrounds me like artifacts from another life. Top of my class without much effort. Basketball, cricket, chess. Picking up games and mastering them with an ease that both delighted and disturbed me. Never struggling to make friends, always projecting confidence (at least externally). I understand markets, sensing shifts before they happen. I understand people, seeing beneath their words to what they're really asking for. I recognize patterns that others miss, connections forming before they've fully materialized. These aren't just skills I've developed. They're almost like a different way of seeing. So what keeps me scrolling through other people's successes instead of building my own? What's holding me back from that million-dollar year I know, I know is possible?
There's something almost terrifying about fully accepting my capabilities. It's like standing at the edge of a high dive, toes curled over the edge. The thrill isn't in the jump itself but in that moment right before, when your body understands the height in a way your mind can't quite process. If I truly believe in my potential, then I have to face why I haven't achieved it yet. The excuses dissolve. The "someday" fantasy evaporates. This isn't about external validation or material success anymore. It's about integrity with myself. It's about the responsibility that comes with seeing clearly. Because whatever force exists in this universe - God, consciousness, cosmic accident didn't give me these insights to let them wither. These gifts came with a price tag: use them or live with the knowledge that you chose comfort over truth.
The weight of unrealized potential is unlike any other burden. It's not the clean pain of failure or the sharp sting of rejection. It's a dull, persistent ache of knowing you're betraying something sacred within yourself. I carry it in my shoulders, in the tension headaches that arrive after days of choosing safety over truth. I feel it in the pit of my stomach when I see others doing what I know I could do, creating what I know I could create. The most haunting ghosts aren't of the past but of the unlived futures we glimpse and then turn away from.
So why haven't I actualized this potential yet? I ask myself this question in quiet moments, in shower thoughts, in 3 AM staring contests with the ceiling. What am I actually afraid of? There's a peculiar shame that comes with acknowledging my own desires, as if wanting more is somehow greedy or ungrateful. Sometimes I wonder if I'm afraid I'll become a monster if I fully embrace my ambition. If power will corrupt me. If success will isolate me. If achievement will transform me into someone I don't recognize or like. The conflicting voices in my head create a perfect storm of paralysis: You're not ready. You're not healed enough. You need more preparation. You need to fix yourself first. And beneath it all, the most insidious lie: You don't deserve it.
What do I need to live my potential? First, I need to accept that these gifts weren't random. Whether from God, genetics, or good fortune. They were entrusted to me for a reason. I have to learn to live in organized chaos because there will never be complete order. I need to get comfortable existing in the messy middle. Doing things while healing, creating while learning, building while still figuring it all out. The myth of "I'll start when I'm ready" has cost me years. No one is ever ready. We just begin and become ready through the beginning.
I need to overcome the shame by being vulnerable, by accepting my desires without apology, by examining the sources of my shame and challenging their authority over me. I need to recognize that wanting to fully express my gifts isn't selfish. It's the most generous thing I can do. The world doesn't benefit from my smallness.
The gap between who I am and who I could be isn't meant to be collapsed entirely. It's meant to be a creative tension, a sacred space where growth happens not despite discomfort but because of it. The most honest thing I can do is to acknowledge this space, to step into it willingly, to let it transform me in ways I cannot predict or control.
The question that remains, as the day unfolds before me: am I finally ready to trust my potential enough to let it change me?
I am starting a small accountability/ritual building group. If you’re interested, lmk and I’ll share more details with you.
Psilocybin and MDMA-assisted therapy helped me uncover the root of my shame and guilt. But it also led me to question every belief I held and where those beliefs came from. Pulling on that thread unraveled my entire sense of reality. From the outside, my life might look chaotic—but I’ve never felt more whole.
This one hits deep.
That space between who you are and who you could be—that’s where the real fight happens. Not against the world, but against yourself.
You know you have the talent. You know you can do more. And yet, something holds you back. The fear of stepping up. The weight of responsibility that comes with fully embracing your potential. The question of, What if I go all in and still fail?
But the real nightmare isn’t failure. It’s waking up years from now, carrying the dull, unbearable weight of knowing you never really tried.
So, are you ready to trust yourself enough to let it change you? Because nothing else will.